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As we move through these everchanging times, an interesting phenomenon is happening. Things we once thought impossible only weeks ago are now taking shape in the form of policy and public support. An experience so jarring to our concept of “normal” can be traumatic in the most difficult ways. It can also provide an opportunity to reimagine how we’ve organized our lives. Humans crave predictability, certainty and structure even when that structure can prove harmful. Many times we are thrust into change not through our own volition but through circumstance. Rather than resist this change or scramble to reassemble what we used to know, we can think creatively about how to align ourselves more closely to our best values.

This week my beautiful city was ripped apart by the snuffing out of humanity right before our eyes. Shock gave way to rage, violence, despair and hopelessness. Fear flooded our neighborhoods as people tried to regain their footing amidst shifting sands of rapidly changing information. We watched as our familiar streets became war zones. The intensity of these very difficult emotions was only matched by the intensity of the connection we felt as we watched fellow citizens of every stripe clean Lake Street or donate food to Sanford Middle School or organize neighborhood watch shifts. We started to have real conversations with our families and neighbors about race and structural inequities. We moved away from toxic distractions and opportunists who were quick to criticize but slow to offer compassion or any meaningful help. We saw ourselves in George Floyd and Derek Chauvin and each other. When we open to the rawness of this moment, we are subject to pain but also to hope. If we shut ourselves off from the overwhelming wave of grief, we deny ourselves the opportunity to experience the balm of shared humanity. Let us take this time to open ourselves to this moment, to transcend the fear of feeling and be transformed.

Many of us are feeling the constraints of a situation out of our control and a diminishing reserve of positive energy. Are you irritable? That makes sense.

Perhaps you feel overwhelmed with despair or frustration. Are you withdrawn? That makes sense.

You may be searching for things to distract yourself to offer yourself some moments of comfort. Are you overindulging? That makes sense.

Before we are able to make changes, we need to acknowledge that what we’ve been doing makes sense on some level. This is not condoning unhealthy decisions, just offering understanding to why we may choose them. Once we validate our needs for comfort, security or hope for our future, we can move past actions that only avoid or increase distress and instead choose behaviors that truly serve those deep understandable needs.

Instead of: “Why did I yell at the kids? Why can’t I have more patience?? Other people are probably handling this much better. ”

Try this: “Of course I feel like yelling. That makes sense given the circumstances. Maybe I can take a minute to calm down or soothe myself before I speak. Maybe I can arrange some time for myself this afternoon.”

Part of learning self-compassion is discovering what you truly need in a moment of difficulty. This does not mean indulging yourself in short-term vices of varying magnitude, nor does it mean you minimize the distress and “pull yourself up by the bootstraps”. Asking yourself the question, “what serves me?” can be helpful in finding what is most necessary for your wellbeing in the moment. This may mean an early bedtime, a hug, a quiet quick meditation, a hot tea. Asking this question can help you be more protective of your time and more effective in your use of time. Does it serve you to spend time so much time listening to the news? Does it serve you to get into the garden or outside for a walk? Ask yourself and see what happens.

While people are practicing social distancing and spending more time at home, there can be pressure internally and externally (I’m thinking of some well-meaning social media influencers…) to be PRODUCTIVE with our time. Learn a new hobby! Start Spanish lessons! Remodel the house! Try to spend some time checking in with yourself each day to determine what you need: perhaps it does feel energizing and positively distracting to get into your garden project. Or, maybe today you require rest. Managing this adjustment is also about adjusting your expectations and taking care of yourself and those around you.

Have you been feeling a sense of loss, anger or even denial as we navigate the new reality of COVID-19? Consider thinking about those feelings as a reflection of grief. We all have had to make adjustments to our regular routines, cancel plans and limit social contact. These changes can result in reactions that we may recognize as stages of grief: bargaining (“Maybe if I just see one person for coffee that’s ok?”), anger (“How could other countries or leaders cause this to happen?!”), denial (“I think all the hype is overblown”). By considering these emotions to be a normal part of a grieving process, we can manage them kindly and work toward refocusing on acceptance. When we accept our circumstances (i.e., social distancing, working from home, no travel), we can identify small, manageable ways to take action that increase a sense of agency and control. What can you do that improves your immediate surroundings in the next 10 minutes? What is one small thing that promotes your health or the health of others during your day? Perhaps a walk, organizing a closet, or donating to a cause. Check this out for further reading:
https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief

During a time of global concern, it can be difficult to have conversations with our children when we are trying to process information ourselves. Here are some helpful tips for talking with children about the COVID 19 Coronavirus.

• Remain calm and reassuring
• Make yourself available
• Avoid excessive blaming
• Monitor television viewing and social media
• Maintain a normal routine to the extent possible
• Be honest and accurate

The link to the full article is https://www.nasponline.org/resources-and-publications/resources-and-podcasts/school-climate-safety-and-crisis/health-crisis-resources/talking-to-children-about-covid-19-(coronavirus)-a-parent-resource

Suggested Points to Emphasize When Talking to Children

• Adults at home and school are taking care of your health and safety. If you have concerns, please talk to an adult you trust.
• Not everyone will get the coronavirus (COVID-19) disease. School and health officials are being especially careful to make sure as few people as possible get sick.
• It is important that all people treat each other with respect and not jump to conclusions about who may or may not have COVID-19.
• There are things you can do to stay health and avoid spreading the disease:

o   Avoid close contact with people who are sick.

o   Stay home when you are sick.

o   Cover your cough or sneeze into your elbow or a tissue, then throw the tissue in the trash.

o   Avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth.

o   Wash hands often with soap and water (20 seconds).

o   If you don’t have soap, use hand sanitizer (60–95% alcohol based).

o   Clean and disinfect frequently touched objects and surfaces using a regular household cleaning spray or wipe.

Connect with others – Zoom/Facetime meetings, online trivia, call, text. If you live alone, this is especially important. Designate a friend or loved one as a buddy that you have some time with daily over the phone or video chat. Have dinner with friends virtually, go for a walk at a social distance.

Learn – learn something new today – watch a documentary, search the Smithsonian to learn something about a topic you are interested in.

Be Active – Get at least 30 minutes of physical activity, preferably outside if that is safe for you. Exercising will give your anxiety somewhere to go and help keep you physically healthy and sleep better. Online yoga classes are a good option here. 

Be Mindful – Spend some time practicing mindfulness, noticing what is here in this moment. This is a great thing to do in nature – what does grass look like as it starts to grow, what do the sounds the birds make in the spring sound like, what does melting ice and snow look like? You can try an app like Headspace or Calm for free to learn these strategies or google mindfulness. You can also practice small moments of mindfulness in everyday life – what is it like to do the laundry or wash the dishes and really pay attention to it? Our anxiety is often based on worrying about the future so bringing ourselves back to the present can help us immensely. 

Give back – Check in on someone you care about who may need it during this time – maybe an older adult or someone who lives alone. If possible, consider giving money or buying a gift certificate to places that are hard hit by COVID 19 closures (restaurants, arts organizations, artists). You could do some research on how to help medical teams and staff who are responding during the crisis. Donate to a food bank. Drop off supplies for someone who can’t get them. 

Eat well – Try to eat non-processed whole foods to the extent you can, experiment with some new recipes, make sure you are getting adequate nutrition, ask for help with this if you need to. 

Relax – have some time set aside for fun or relaxation – play a board game, play chess with someone online, read a book, watch a funny TV show. Try a deep breathing exercise, do progressive muscle relaxation, use guided imagery to bring yourself to a place you find relaxing. 

Sleep – Get 7-9 hours of sleep a night (as much as your body needs), maintaining the same schedule nightly. If you are having trouble sleeping, consider consulting a professional, or getting more active. 

Limit or create some structure to when you are checking the news – perhaps just for 15 minutes a day in the morning and before dinner. Do not check news before bed. Think about where you are getting your news – I would encourage primary news sources instead of Twitter.

Ask yourself “Am I doing all I can do about it (e.g., social distancing, handwashing for 20 seconds)?” If you are, this is all you can do right now.

Consider the following questions (credit to Kathleen Smith, PhD, author of Everything Isn’t Terrible Yet)

• What reality based problems do I need to solve today?
• What information do I need today?
• What’s the difference between thoughtfully and anxiously focusing on the
  problem?
• How can I be a resource to others without becoming over-responsible to them?
• How can I share my thinking without trying to force others to follow it?
• How can I stay in emotional contact with others?
• What people in my life are examples of maturity who can be useful to me at this time?

Provide words of kindness for yourself – what would you say to a friend who
told you how they were feeling?
“It is ok to feel scared. You are doing everything you can do right now.”

If you are having any thoughts about harming yourself or others, please call or text the National Suicide Hotline – 1-800-273-8255.

Shared from the Center for Spirituality and Healing at the University of MN:

Tips for Mindfully Caring for our Relationships

1. Set an intention to make your relationships a priority. In our busy lives, maintaining and growing our relationships – whether with a partner, neighbor or a coworker – can sometimes take a back seat to our daily obligations. Take the time to enjoy the many rewards of quality time spent with those you care about, and who care about you. Plan ahead, schedule the time and place, and let it be the last thing you take off your calendar when life seems just-too-full. 
    
2. We can better understand others – whether a partner, child, or a friend on the other side of the political spectrum—if we simply ask them questions and listen mindfully to their responses. Listening deeply to someone’s perspective with an authentic curiosity has been shown to enhance relationships by reducing defensiveness and building trust.  
    
3. Many government and public health professionals are now asserting that loneliness is becoming a new public health epidemic; citing increasing loneliness among all age groups and that loneliness and social isolation can be as damaging to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The good news: friendships and meaningful interactions with others can serve as an antidote to loneliness and work to protect our physical and mental wellbeing. So, reach out and connect with someone who may be lonely, and when you are lonely, remember you are not alone and with some courage and mindful self-compassion, do your best to reach out to others.
    
4. Take good care for yourself. How we take care of ourselves, like practicing mindfulness, getting good sleep and exercise, can have a powerful ripple effect on our relationships. Care for yourself so that you might also care for others. 
    
5. Regularly let people know how much they mean to you and not just on Valentine’s Day! Expressing caring and appreciation enhances the wellbeing of both the sender and the receiver. Love does indeed make the world go ’round!